Q - If big boobed women work at Hooters... ...Then where do one legged women work? A - IHOP Submitted by Saraphina : 22-Jan-2006 02:47 EST Q - Whats the wettest part of the alphabet? A - H to O Submitted by Frogzey : 14-Jan-2006 00:08 EST The Hypnotist It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. Shit!" said the Hypnotist... It took three weeks to clean up the senior center Submitted by Saraphina : 12-Jan-2006 10:28 EST There are more Catholic curches in Las Vegas than casinos This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches there than casinos. Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan Monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks. Submitted by Doc's Mom : 10-Jan-2006 23:59 EST Great to be a guy Someone sent me 46 reasons why It's great to be a guy . Submitted by Annonymous : 09-Jan-2006 14:11 EST What would you drink? The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine." The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila." The Scot says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have Scotch." The Swede says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit." The Japanese says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have sake." The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka." The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer." The Greek says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo." The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes." Submitted by Big Daddy : 13-Dec-2005 22:03 EST Hahas J-mac sent in some short Hahas . Submitted by J-mac : 11-Dec-2005 14:02 EST Matzo Ball Soup Ariel Sharon is in Washington for meetings with G. W. There is to be a state dinner; Laura decides to bring in a special kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At dinner that night, the first course is served and it is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at the bowl, and after learning what it is called he tells an aide that he can't eat such a grossly named, strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to ruffle any feathers, George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and ladles a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows -- and a grin appears on his face. He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl. "That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other parts of the Matzo or just the balls?" Submitted by BigDaddy : 09-Nov-2005 17:02 EST Chester had always wanted to be Jewish Although born to a Catholic family, Chester had always wanted to be Jewish. As a senior in college, he decided to take the plunge and go through the formal conversion process. He studied Judaism all semester. Finally, he felt he was ready to take the test and complete the conversion. On the appointed day, he arrived at the Rabbi's office, ready to begin. The Rabbi said, "I'm sorry, but before I give you the test, I must discuss my fee. It's $5,000." "$5,000!" exclaimed Chester, "That's a lot of money. How about $500?" "Congratulations! You pass!" said the Rabbi. Submitted by BigDaddy : 28-Oct-2005 12:03 EST Brazilians Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed." "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!" His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?" Submitted by Doc : 13-Oct-2005 13:02 EST Man's Guide to Dating Ethnic Women Man's Guide to Dating Ethnic Women ... Submitted by Big Daddy : 08-Oct-2005 15:37 EST BREAKING NEWS [05-August-2005] This morning - from a cave somewhere in Pakistan - Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. If this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next. It's getting ugly Submitted by Big Daddy : 26-Jul-2005 14:18 EST A few nights ago some friends and I were in a bar... ...telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" He screams, and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared! I was sure he would have killed me, but luckily he couldn't find a place to plug it in. Submitted by Big Daddy : 13-Aug-2005 14:43 EST BREAKING NEWS [26-July-2005] In a study, scientists report that drinking beer can be good for your liver... I'm sorry, did I say 'scientists'? I meant Irish people. Submitted by Big Daddy : 26-Jul-2005 14:18 EST A German, an Italian and a Redneck were on death row... ...The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: 1.. to be shot 2.. to be hung 3.. to be injected with the A.I.D.S. virus. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly. Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." Snap, he was dead. Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the Redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots." So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. So finally the warden said, "What the hell is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a rubber!" Submitted by Big Daddy : 17-Jul-2005 09:32 EST The Cynic's Guide to Life The Cynic's Guide to Life ... Submitted by Big Daddy : 14-Jun-2005 21:37 EST BREAKING NEWS [06-Jun-2005] A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million is injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock. Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots. Saudi Arabia is sending oil. Other Latin American countries are sending supplies. The European community (except France) is sending food and money. The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans. Submitted by Big Daddy : 06-June-2005 22:30 EST What is the difference between men and government bonds? - The bonds mature. Submitted by AuntLeeLee : 24-May-2005 09:26 EST If GM produced cars like Microsoft produced software. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following Characteristics ... Submitted by Doc : 24-May-2005 08:33 EST Women will never be equal to men until... ...they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are attractive to the opposite sex. Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-May-2005 22:29 EST The Three Kick Rule They have a pretty cool way to settle small disputes in Minnesota... It's called the Three Kick Rule . Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-May-2005 22:15 EST How does a man show that he is planning for the future? - He buys two cases of beer. Submitted by AuntLeeLee : 23-May-2005 22:05 EST Abbott & Costello Upgraded If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like This... Submitted by J-mac : 21-May-2005 11:03 EST Sign on condom machine in Men's Room : "Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber." Submitted by Big Daddy : 15-May-2005 13:05 EST Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks." Submitted by Big Daddy : 07-May-2005 13:28 EST What us the difference between ignorance and apathy? - I don't know, and I don't care. Submitted by Big Daddy : 07-May-2005 13:25 EST Dear Abby I wonder why Dear Abby didn't post These letters. Submitted by J-mac : 03-May-2005 22:58 EST 65-year old woman gives birth With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65-year-old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65-year-old mother says, "Not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, "Not yet." Frustrated, they say, "When can we see the baby?" The mother says, "When the baby cries." They ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "Because I forgot where I put it." Submitted by Big Daddy : 01-May-2005 12:26 EST 10 Things you should never say to a cop 10 Things you should never say to a cop. Submitted by Big Daddy : 01-May-2005 11:36 EST Quantas Airlines "Gripe Sheet" After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "Gripe Sheet" , which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form... Submitted by Rachel : 25-Apr-2005 23:54 EST Irish Drunk and the confessional box Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either." Submitted by Big Daddy : 16-Apr-2005 23:43 EST Wrong Email Address Better be careful when typing that Email Address . Submitted by J-mac : 28-Mar-2005 20:51 EST Irish Cemetary Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died."! Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims... "Miles, from Dublin." Submitted by Big Daddy : 27-Mar-2005 13:14 EST Last Request Mary goes up to her priest after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?" She says, "That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun!" Submitted by Big Daddy : 27-Mar-2005 13:01 EST Water to Wine? An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!" Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Mar-2005 09:47 EST What do people in China call their good plates? Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Mar-2005 09:45 EST I've lost all me luggage! An Irishman arrived at an airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman. Submitted by Big Daddy : 17-Mar-2005 23:05 EST Irish Martini?? O'Toman walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what O'Toman had done, "what was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!" Submitted by Big Daddy : 17-Mar-2005 22:56 EST Polish Disaster The worst airline disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seater Cessna crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon. Rescue workers have so far uncovered 826 bodies and expect to find more as the digging continues. Submitted by Big Daddy : 10-Mar-2005 23:30 EST Autopsy Professor An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear". Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same", he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. "Second", the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?" Submitted by J-mac : 3-Mar-2005 23:30 EST Fireman's Pole A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?" "I'm a fireman," his old friend replies. "Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy. "Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night." Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?" "No," moans the guy, "but my daughter is a stripper." Submitted by Big Daddy : 3-Mar-2005 23:25 EST Helpful Parking Rules Theres about 18 of these Parking Rules - lets try to add a few more. Submitted by Big Daddy : 28-Feb-2005 11:01 EST A Computer Instructor Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students. My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes stacked on a bookshelf. "What are all these books?" he asked. Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias. "Really?" he said. "Someone printed out the whole thing". Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Feb-2005 23:14 EST A Native American fell into an outhouse A Native American Indian fell into an outhouse and wasn't able to get out. After a long time, a man came and fished him out. The man asked the Indian how long he had been in there. The Indian replied, "I've seen many moons!" Submitted by Big Daddy : 11-Feb-2005 23:10 EST The Guy Rules At last, a guy has taken the time to write All This down. Submitted by Big Daddy : 07-Feb-2005 20:55 EST Long Island Residents For all you people who have ever lived on Long Island, or know someone who does, (and some of these are before our time I know) we can definitely relate to at least a few items on the list .... So here's to Long Island ! Submitted by Big Daddy : 05-Feb-2005 23:03 EST Letter to Dad What could possibly make this kid write such a Letter to Dad . Submitted by J-mac : 04-Feb-2005 23:39 EST 13 Things PMS stands for and you didn't even know it 1. Pass My Shotgun 2. Psychotic Mood Shift 3. Perpetual Munching Spree 4. Puffy Mid-Section 5. People Make me Sick 6. Provide Me with Sweets 7. Pardon My Sobbing 8. Pimples May Surface 9. Pass My Sweatpants 10. Pissy Mood Syndrome 11. Plainly - Men Suck 12. Pack My Stuff And my favorite one... 13. Potential Murder Suspect Submitted by J-mac : 29-Jan-2005 20:43 EST A Polish Scientist working with a frog He cuts off it's front left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. He cuts off it's front right leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. Cuts off the frog's back left leg. Tells it to jump and it jumps. Finally, he cuts off it's back right leg. Tells it to jump but it doesn't jump. Conclusion : After cutting off all legs, frogs lose hearing Submitted by Big Daddy : 26-Jan-2005 18:45 EST Has your Wife/Girlfriend put on a few extra pounds over the holiday season? If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and then 3 miles again in the evening. By the end of the week the cow will be 42 miles away. Submitted by Big Daddy : 21-Jan-2005 10:57 EST Another Irishman Story This time its about a Stranded Irishman . Submitted by Big Daddy : 18-Jan-2005 10:28 EST Insurance Claims Some funny, yet real, Insurance Claims from abroad. Submitted by Big Daddy : 14-Jan-2005 22:49 EST Performance Appraisals Revisited The real meaning behind the Performance Appraisals that your boss gives you. Submitted by Big Daddy : 14-Jan-2005 22:13 EST Three Guys in a Bar An Irishman, a Scot, and an Englishman are all at a bar. Submitted by J-mac : 27-Dec-2004 02:50 EST Can you pass? Can Brian Pass the football. Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Dec-2004 14:02 EST Male/Female Vocabulary Differences The Top 7 Vocabulary Differences between men and women. Submitted by Doc : 18-Dec-2004 01:29 EST Sniff-a-lis Did you hear about the Eskimo who rubbed noses so indiscriminately that he contracted snyphilis. Submitted by Big Daddy : 12-Dec-2004 00:47 EST Don't Pee in the Pool Little Jay is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool. "You're not allowed to pee in the pool", said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you". "But everyone pees in the pool", said Little Jay. "Maybe", said the lifeguard, "But not from the diving board". Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 14:39 EST You're Not A Monk Story of a guy and his quest to find the source of a strange sound. You're Not A Monk . Submitted by Big Daddy : 02-Nov-2004 18:46 EST It's Twenty To Seven... After spending all day Sunday watching football on television, a man fell asleep and spent the night in the chair. His wife woke him in the morning. "It's twenty to seven," she called. "Yeah? Who's winning?" Submitted by Big Daddy : 02-Nov-2004 18:36 EST Hank's walk home Hank is not the sharpest tool in the shed. Submitted by RMcca6112 : 27-Oct-2004 21:34 EST I said RRROOAAARRR!!! One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget." They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep. I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest damn lion I'd ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this: RRROOAARRR!!!..........I tell you, I just shit my pants." The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no... not back then, just now. when I said RRROOAAARRR!!!" Submitted by Big Daddy : 27-Oct-2004 00:25 EST How To Crap Like A Man Should I be proud of this? You bet I am!!! Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Oct-2004 23:55 EST Drink Personalities How to read a person by what they drink . Submitted by Doc : 20-Oct-2004 21:05 EST What The Heck Is Wrong With You? Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering that it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride. He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" The reply is, "I got this in the war." Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. The next guy he sits by has uncontrollable spastic twitches in his right leg, causing him to kick the seat in front of him, and even kicks Fred a few times. So Fred asks him, "What the heck is wrong with you?" Again the answer is, "I got this in the war." Fred moves. The next guy poor Fred sits by begins erratically flailing his left hand . Fred says, "Let me guess, you got that in the war." His reply was, "No, I got it out of my nose. I can't get it off of my hand." Submitted by Big Daddy : 20-Oct-2004 15:10 EST Poor Florida, All Those Hurricanes And All So, what is it like exactly to be a "Floridian" . Submitted by "A Floridian" : 19-Oct-2004 22:35 EST Are These My Brains? A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath. "Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?" Mama answered, "Not yet." Submitted by "Emily" : 19-Oct-2004 22:26 EST The Men Commandments Every man should already know the "Men Commandments" . Submitted by Doc : 09-Oct-2004 12:40 EST Perfect Woman The top 25 quotes from the Perfect Woman . Must be an endangered Species. Submitted by Doc : 09-Oct-2004 12:30 EST Italian A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once a more. Two asses they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives....." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "no talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my friends how to spella Mississippi." Submitted by J-mac : 05-Oct-2004 13:30 EST