Grandaman.com - Adult Jokes Page

If guys wrote advice columns...

Q: My husband wants to have a threesome with me and my best friend.
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing your best friend. Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal while you think about it.
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him.
A: Do it. Semen can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day; then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The Man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house, too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.

Q: My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.

Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should; He should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex and cooking him a nice meal.

Q: My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep without giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

-Author Unknown

Submitted by Doc : 19-Aug-2006 19:16 EST

7 kinds of sex

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you".

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife/Hubby any more. She/He takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the> afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don't forget the 7th kind of sex - Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

Submitted by AuntLeeLee : 30-Apr-2006 22:28 EST

Buttercups...

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden.....POOF!! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life - better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life......As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!......she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."

Dave shouts back, "DON'T SWING, Fred; for the love of God, DON'T SWING!"

Submitted by Doc's Mom : 27-Apr-2006 11:49 EST

A joke today without a dirty word?

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Submitted by AuntLeeLee : 27-Apr-2006 11:17 EST

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying...

...A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"

The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

Submitted by Saraphina : 29-Jan-2006 21:10 EST

Sex in the Irish tradition

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Irish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the Traditional Irish aphrodisiac .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 14-Jan-2006 00:04 EST

Top Ten Signs You Might be Gay [I’ve whittled it down to 4]

1 - There's a dick up your ass
2 - You blow every paycheck on gerbils
3 - Your nickname is "Homo"
4 - You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls

Submitted by Big Daddy : 12-Jan-2006 10:33 EST

Q - How can you tell when a woman is really hot for you?

A - When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 12-Jan-2006 10:31 EST

Cucumber, Pickle and Penis

A Cucumber. a pickle and a penis were all sitting around one day talking about how much their lives sucked.

The cucumber said "Man, my life sucks. Whenever I get big, fat and juicy, someone cuts me up and puts me in a salad."

So the pickle looks at him and says, "You think you have it bad? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, someone puts me in vinegar, puts spices on me, and sticks me in a jar."

The penis glared at them both and said, "You guys think you have it rough? Whenever I get big, fat, and juicy, they put a rubber tarp over my head, stick me in a dark room, and bang my head against a wall until I throw up and pass out."

Submitted by Saraphina : 21-Dec-2005 17:49 EST

Golfing Accident

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

"We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.

"I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 13-Dec-2005 11:52 EST

Tapeworm

I hope that I never get a Tapeworm .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 09-Dec-2005 17:21 EST

African Roulette

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger. CLICK,, empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual...CLICK...empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn." The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.

The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him. Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks,

"What kind of test of courage is this?"

"One of them is a cannibal"

Submitted by Saraphina : 3-Dec-2005 01:06 EST

10 Signs that You Might be Gay

- There's a dick up your ass
- You blow every paycheck on gerbils
- You get offended by the word "Fruit Loops"
- Your fantasies include prison showers and dropped soap
- Anyone mentions "The Village People" and you think of your neighbors
- Your nickname is "Homo"
- Your friends want to kill Richard Simmons, you'd rather spank him
- You know over 10 people named Bruce
- There's always a "queer" taste in your mouth
- You wake up each morning and scratch someone else's balls

Submitted by Big Daddy : 27-Oct-2005 19:16 EST

Michael the Dragon Master...

...was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts. But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 05-Oct-2005 12:17 EST

One day...

...a fag was jogging through the park. There was a wino passed out on the park bench, so the jogger decided, "Ah, what the hell"...

Submitted by Big Daddy : 10-Sep-2005 16:09 EST

One Hole Behind

This poor guy is always One Hole Behind in this golf game.

Submitted by J-mac : 09-Sep-2005 00:59 EST

A week after their marriage...

...these newlyweds from Kentucky paid a visit to their doctor.

"I can't figure it out doc, my testicles are turning blue."

The doctor examined him and confirmed the unusual condition. He asked the wife, "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes." she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using?" the doctor then asked.

"Grape." she said.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 04-Sep-2005 10:03 EST

Rich goes to the school therapist...

...During the session, the therapist asks, "How is your sex life?"

"I have a lot of issues with sex," Rich replies.

"What kind of issues?" the therapist asks.

"Oh, mostly Hustler and Penthouse."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 03-Sep-2005 22:42 EST

And what would you like?

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.

He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."

She smiled pleasantly and asked "And what would you like?"

The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly---What I need is a new tie."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 03-Sep-2005 22:38 EST

The newly born sperm...

...was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor: "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm. She will answer, 'I'm the Egg. From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?"

The sperm nodded affirmatively and the instructor said, "Then, good luck!"

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes up immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm."

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 16-Jul-2005 21:55 EST

Why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, the French declared that the British were wrong and decided to conduct their own study of the same subject. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the woman with more sexual pleasure.

When the results of the French study were released, Poland decided to conduct its own study. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of around $75, the Polish study was complete. They came to the conclusion that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent his hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 13-Jul-2005 09:47 EST

A man takes his wife to the stock show...

...They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 13-Jul-2005 09:37 EST

BREAKING NEWS [22-June-2005]

Big Daddy was reading the news the other day and found out some valuable Info for women. Some of if them tell how to live longer!

Submitted by Big Daddy : 22-Jun-2005 22:39 EST

Big Margaret decided she wanted to become a nurse...

...Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their linens. Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.

The teacher took Margaret to one side and said, "When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 22-Jun-2005 22:17 EST

Are you gay???

Here are eight sure-fire ways to tell if you are gay ...

Submitted by Big Daddy : 15-Jun-2005 23:58 EST

A husband took his wife to play her first round of golf...

Nervous, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the largest house adjacent to the course .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 14-Jun-2005 21:37 EST

From the makers of K-Y Jelly

The increased use of Viagra by seniors created a demand for a sexual lubricant to address the special needs of that age group. The makers of K-Y jelly have developed a new lubricant called Oil of Old Lay. .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 14-Jun-2005 20:19 EST

Want to get yourself fired?

Try some of these Novel Ideas .

Submitted by J-mac : 06-Jun-2005 22:50 EST

The Chinese Sex Therapist

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang. So she went to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, The woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me." So she did...

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Worried, the woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply, and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look ed zachary like your ass.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 06-Jun-2005 22:42 EST

The Irish Brothel

Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.

They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."

Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation as well."

Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be dying.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 24-May-2005 09:12 EST

Pierre the Fighter Pilot

I don't know what to say about this.. but he's Pierre the Fighter Pilot .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-May-2005 22:21 EST

Why do women douche?

- Because they can't get their pussies to go...
"Haaaaaaaaaaawk...THOO!!!"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 19-May-2005 08:32 EST

A late night at the bar...

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

"Out drinking again!?" she says. "How much money did you spend this time?"

"$100" answers the man.

"$100!" she shouts. "That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!"

"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke, you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 15-May-2005 13:09 EST

There were two old men sitting on a park bench...

A blonde woman walks by. One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man says, "Not a wink.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 15-May-2005 12:44 EST

"Take it from me, wrinkle cream doesn't work."

"I’ve been using it for two years and my balls still look like raisins."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 07-May-2005 13:22 EST

Recipe for fun

Parents reaction...

I don't think this is how most parents would react when they find out that their daughter is Pregnant .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 10-Mar-2005 17:18 EST

I don't know what to say about this...

A lost and not so bright Bryan, on the eve of his wedding night asks his mother, "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his mom, and then seeks his father opinion, "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white".

Submitted by Big Daddy : 10-Mar-2005 12:25 EST

I don't know what to say about this...

My wife and I were on the sofa watching the news last night.
"Oh," I said surprised, "you have your period, huh?"

She looked at me amazed. "How on earth do you know that?"

"Well, it’s 10:15 and you’re not asleep. The only time you think it’s safe to stay up with me are the times when you are not worried that Big Daddy might want to pull into Tuna Town."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 10-Mar-2005 12:25 EST

Are these my brains?

A three-year-old, Jason, was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mamma," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mamma answered, "Not yet."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 8-Mar-2005 12:25 EST

Because my boyfriend goes to...

Three college girls were waiting at the doctors office for their yearly checkup. The doctor stuck his head out and called, "Next".

The first girl went in and the doctor asked her to remove her shirt. She did and the doctor noticed a big "H" mark on her chest. The doctor asked, "Why is there a big 'H' on your chest?"

The girl replied, "Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he never removes his sweater, not even when we are making love."

The doctor shrugged and left it at that. The doctor called in the next girl. When she removed her shirt she had a "Y" on her chest. The doctor asked, "Why do you have a 'Y' on your chest?"

The girl replied, "Because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he leaves his jersey on all the time, even when we are having sex."

The doctor calls in the last girl and she has a "M" on her chest. The doctor says, "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to Michigan."

The girl looks at him funny and says, "Um....No..... But my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 8-Mar-2005 12:12 EST

Once upon a time...

there was a female brain cell, which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but got no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder--still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?!"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away...
"We're down here."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 1-Mar-2005 11:20 EST

The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife...

...who was dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.

"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went golfing.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 1-Mar-2005 11:15 EST

Top 10 Reasons For Getting Out of Sex

10. I'd love to honey, but I just banged your sister.
9. We're out of paper bags for your head again.
8. You haven't shaved in so long I'm afraid I'd feel I was making love to Big Foot.
7. You're 20 bucks short.
6. We're out of gin again.
5. I used my last sponge for the dishes.
4. Sorry, this isn't a conjugal visit.
3. I can't tonight honey, I spent myself earlier watching all those pornos.
2. Only if you put on this wig and act like a Chinese hooker.
1. Your gynecologist just called. You still have crabs, and you know I don't like seafood.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 28-Feb-2005 11:16 EST

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn"
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but their joints do too
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith
3. You've just seen the photos in the "Beaver Hunt" section of the May issue of Hustler
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies
1. Craft-matic adjustable bed set for "doggy style."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 27-Feb-2005 00:47 EST

Forgetful Blonde

A knockout blonde with a fine set of knockers complains to the doctor, "I believe I am losing my mind. I can't remember ANYTHING after five minutes!"

The doctor answers, in his most comforting tone, "Just take off all your clothes, miss, and lie down..."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Feb-2005 17:29 EST

What food stops women from wanting sex?

- Wedding cake.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Feb-2005 17:27 EST

Sex for exercise??

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the carbohydric content of different sexual activities.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Feb-2005 17:18 EST

What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

- A quarter-pounder with cheese.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 21-Feb-2005 14:40 EST

Advice for Girlfriends

Girls this is for you - We have some valuable advice for Girlfriends .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 15-Feb-2005 00:47 EST

Onestone

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it OK for us guys to Notice all the different kind of boobs?"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 11-Feb-2005 23:04 EST

A man is walking down the street...

...when he sees a sign that reads, "Ice Cream Parlor: Every Flavor in the World".

"Bullshit," thinks the man and walks in. "So you say you have every flavor ice cream in the world? O.K., I would like three scoops of pussy flavored ice cream, please."

"No problem, sir."

The assistant gives the man three scoops of ice cream in a cone and the man takes a real good lick. Grimacing, he says, "This doesn't taste like pussy, it tastes like shit!

The assistant replies, "Of course it tastes like shit when you take such long licks!"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 11-Feb-2005 22:57 EST

Onestone

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone" so named because he had only one testicle.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 02-Feb-2005 20:29 EST

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators...

...when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

Submitted by Big Daddy : 28-Jan-2005 10:36 EST

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

one day, he comes across a Harley with a for sale sign on it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition. "Well, it's quite simple , really," says the seller...

Submitted by Big Daddy : 28-Jan-2005 10:34 EST

What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?

- The frog says "ribbit, ribbit", and the horny toad says "rub-it, rub-it".

Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Jan-2005 19:54 EST

Top 10 Excuses to get out of sex

Everybody knows that no matter how much you're in love when you get married, at one point or another the honeymoon is over. That's when the Excuses start.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 22-Jan-2005 19:47 EST

There is a new shoe for lesbians called Dike.

- It comes with an extra long tongue and you can get it off with one finger.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 18-Jan-2005 20:27 EST

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

- Two, but how did they get in there?

Submitted by Big Daddy : 17-Jan-2005 23:12 EST

If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

- The Swallow.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 17-Jan-2005 23:11 EST

What is a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?

- Humpme Dumpe.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 06-Jan-2005 23:10 EST

A guy visiting his wife in a hospital

A man was visiting his Wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 06-Jan-2005 23:08 EST

What do ya call an Irish queer?

- A man who prefers women over Guinness.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 06-Jan-2005 23:01 EST

BREAKING NEWS [06-Jan-2005]

According to archaeologists, for millions of years Neanderthal man was not fully erect. That's pretty easy to understand considering how ugly Neanderthal woman were.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 06-Jan-2005 22:53 EST

What Sexual Position creates the ugliest kids?

- Ask your parents.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 28-Dec-2004 16:01 EST

Rude guy at the bar

When you go to the bar, you want to relax, not be embarrased by some Drunk .

Submitted by J-mac : 28-Dec-2004 15:58 EST

Why are electric trains like women's breasts?

- They were designed for kids, but the father usually winds up playing with them.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 26-Dec-2004 02:25 EST

Extraordinary Sexual Activities

Just for the people who are pretty new to the net...Here is a fairly extensive compilation of some of the Extraordinary Sexual Activities that can be performed by men. [Yuck]

Submitted by Doc : 26-Dec-2004 02:20 EST

How do you tell that you have a high sperm count?

- Your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Dec-2004 12:36 EST

Sports and Sex

Jason was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the TV.

"Hey," Jason shouted, "what do you think you are doing?"

"I’m sick of sports, I’m sick of TV," she replied. "You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!"

"OK, OK. So," he asked after a moment, "how often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Dec-2004 00:30 EST

What do you call a woman that does everything you want in bed?

- Your girlfriend....just don't tell your wife.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 23-Dec-2004 14:07 EST

Kids and their questions

Is it ok to look at all the Different Kinds of...

Submitted by Big Daddy : 22-Dec-2004 11:32 EST

Cybersex

A chat log of two people having Cybersex . If you ask me, I think this was Big Daddy and some girl chatting last night.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 22-Dec-2004 10:56 EST

Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad too?"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 18-Dec-2004 11:07 EST

Having a bad day?

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this :
You're a Siamese twin. Your brother, attached at your shoulder is gay but your not... And, you only have one ass.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 16-Dec-2004 00:34 EST

BREAKING NEWS [11-Dec-2004]

Yesterday scientists suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and drinking it makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 50 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a one hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:

1.) talked excessively without making sense
2.) became overly emotional
3.) couldn't drive
4.) failed to think rationally
5.) argued over nothing
6.) had to sit down while urinating
7.) refused to apologize when obviously wrong

Submitted by Big Daddy : 11-Dec-2004 00:25 EST

What's he like?

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big tits.

Submitted by J-mac : 11-Dec-2004 00:13 EST

BREAKING NEWS [11-Dec-2004]

Dr. Calvin Rickson, a scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Dr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 11-Dec-2004 00:06 EST

Shipwrecked

The truth about being Shipwrecked .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 14:46 EST

What's the definition of trust?

- Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 15:13 EST

Can We Turn Off The Lights?

A man is about to have sex with a really fat woman, so he climbs on top of her.
"Can I turn the ceiling light off?" he asks.
"Why?" she replies, "Are you feeling a bit shy?"
"No," he says, "because it's burning my ass!"

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 15:08 EST

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

- Put a nipple on it.

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 15:08 EST

Gay Reincarnation

What do these Gay Guys want to come back as in the next life?

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 15:04 EST

Multi-Flavored Condoms???

I don't think this is a Condom Flavor .

Submitted by Big Daddy : 25-Nov-2004 14:46 EST

Swanky Halloween Party

A jealous woman follows her husband to a Halloween Party and gets a surprise.

Submitted by J-mac : 04-Nov-2004 11:29 EST

Got Wood?

Top 10 places/times not to get a Woody

Submitted by Big Daddy : 02-Nov-2004 18:33 EST

Ingredients

Equipment

Directions